Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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