I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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