my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My vagina is officially offended.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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