It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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