Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
