Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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