I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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