ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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