i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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