Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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