You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
