sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
