when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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