I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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