I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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