Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
