Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i now understand why vodka
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
