I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
