Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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