Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
