My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
