I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
