then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
