just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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