the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we're making bets on your personal life
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
