i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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