Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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