What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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