I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
