everyone is single if you try hard enough
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
