Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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