you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
