sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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