I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
