this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
