I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
