rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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