The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
