My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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