My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
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Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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