i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
