Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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