Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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