i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
