Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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