Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
