I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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