Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
