I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
