i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
