I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
