I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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