How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
