She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
