my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
