Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
