it hurts more in the daytime
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
